frustrated and depressed

i've been pretty down lately because i'm in a really bad spot in life. my financial existence is crumbling beneath me as my debt increases. i owe thousands upon thousands in credit cards in addition to my student loans. i don't know how to get out of it. the worst part about being in this place is not the fear of never getting out, but it is the fear and knowledge that this scenario has the potential to wreck my life. more than anything in the world, i want to act as a career, but because of my debt, i don't really even have the money for my headshots, nevermind union dues or just the money needed to survive in the meantime. this is what i will look back on for the rest of my life and regret unless i find some way to get out. if anyone has any advice or help to offer, please let me know.

my life rating

this came somewhat of a surprise to me:

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

so, i'm not really sure what to do with this new information. generally, that's how i feel after any of these little quizzes. i don't normally fill them out, but sometimes i do and although i have no idea why, i guess they are kind of fun. while i could be ashamed of this new knowledge, i am actually quite proud of it. i'd like to thank everyone in my life who has made this moment possible. without all the people who have given me free drugs and alcohol, as well as sexual favors, i wouldn't be here today. so thank you and good night!

me with the puppet characters in avenue q 

it's a matter of faith

as anyone who really cares about me would know, i used to be very religious. while perhaps my ideas on certain theological topics varied over the years, my general faith remained firm. however, it's fairly ironic that my studies within the religion major have led to the downfall of my faith. since studying religion as a phenomenon around the globe and not just as a matter of truth for one particular tradition, it's been difficult to subscribe to any religious claim as truth. lately, i have become increasingly convinced that religion is merely a product of humanity. for whatever reason religions developed, whether they are sociological, psychological, or even biological, i think that they arose in order to help us deal with some external or internal force. it's pretty scary to think this when all my life i have believed that people like me would go to hell for believing such a thing or, rather, not believing certain dogmatic propositions. at this point, however, there is little hope for turning back to its safety net. i'm damaged goods. i'm still trying to figure things out, but i think i'm past the point of no return and the only thing to do is to embrace these new revelations and figure out who i really am.

working at wal-mart

well, yesterday was my first day back at good old wally world. there are plenty of reasons to laugh at this, including my distaste for such blatant commercialism. however, even though wal-mart may represent the evil commercialist engine, i do my best to build relationships with customers and help them as much as i can. it's not really the customers' fault or even that of the employees themselves. it's a product of our society and, unfortunately, 99% of the population is completely unaware of the disease that plagues it. maybe i'm a little too idealistic, but instead of buying a new playstation 2, why don't we feed, clothe, and educate a child in a poverty stricken country for at least 5 or 6 months? i'm just as much to blame for the way things are, but the difference is that i'm aware of it and hopefully i will continue to push in the direction of helping humankind. i leave you with lyrics from a song by this band by the name of calibretto:

"You're a spoiled brat.
Oh yes, it's true.
You're stuck on self,
Nobody matters but you.
Forget about the hungry in Mexico.
Go play your stupid Nintendo.
We've got everything we want.
We're ungrateful spoiled little brats.
We need a humble self esteem.
Stop living for a selfish dream."

first post ever

i don't really know why i'm doing this since i have a thing against online journals. if feel that they usually either host passive aggressives that vent online or have information that has little or nothing to do with anything. in fact, i'm kind of proving that point right now. what does this post have to do with my life? nothing. the things that i truly care about are probably too deeply personal to share online. however, seeing as how i have never done this before, that may change. maybe i will find myself opening up to a whole new level and sharing my most intimate feelings with the entire world. regardless of what happens, i did it. i started this little online journal or whatever you want to call it. so, here it is. please bear with me in this difficult transition and allow me to share my thoughts with you. thank you. the end