long awaited update

i haven't written in my journal for a while and i've been meaning to...really! i've mostly just been continuing to work at wal-mart, often feeling completely dissatisfied with that aspect of my life. beyond that, i hung out with an old friend last week and that was absolutely fantastic. hopefully i'll hang out with her again sometime this summer (we usually hang out once every couple years). also, two days ago i went to the movies by myself and i saw an amazing film (in my opinion). i went to go see saved! with mandy moore, jena malone, macaulay culkin, and patrick fugit. i mean...they were actors in the movie; i didn't go see the movie with them. this film was everything i hoped it would be and much, much more. it seemed to be a terrific balance between a comedy and a serious drama with real issues. in my experiences with certain christians, this satire accurately portrayed radical fanatics, as well more subdued "normal" christians. the writer did his research, getting the conversational lingo absolutely correct. as well, it did reflect that most of the christians in the movie had good intentions, but there was some barrier they couldn't see through in order to help the way that they needed to help. the movie is already pretty controversial because it depicts certain christians in a negative light. in fact, at least woman in the theatre walked out. sometimes things are a little too close to the truth. i would recommend it to anyone and, in fact, i think it's a very important film for everyone to see, except for those who are too young for some of the language, sexual themes, or even to understand the clever satire. it's only PG-13, but people still need to use judgement in who sees it.

as i am continuing to investigate religion from a different perspective than before, i feel free and enlightened. because of this, i am determined to live life more fully and help and love as many people as i can along the way. while in most ways my changing views make me feel great, i'm very worried about what others will think, particularly my dad and stepmom. so, i haven't talked to them about it at all. actually, i haven't really been in contact with them at all lately. i suppose it eventually has to happen and i do not look forward to it.

there's been a lot more going on within me, but i don't know if i want to disclose everything right now. in short, i'm realizing how i'm not at all ready or willing to sacrifice particular things for anyone. i need to do what i want to do. anyway, i won't get into it right now, but perhaps another time.

for now, i bid you adieu...

wal-mart paranoia

i was having a fine time at work yesterday for most of the day. everything was flowing smoothly and the shift was passing rather quickly. i was even in a good mood about it, which is surprising as of late. however, after around midnight, i started to lose it. first of all, i made a simple mistake of paging the full name of an employee over the intercom system. i never do that, but the woman i was working with told me to page "steve so-and-so," so i did. i know i shouldn't have done his full name. anyway, after i do this, i had several people come up to me and tell me that i shouldn't have. i felt like the dude in office space who keeps having people tell him about the TPS reports. as well, they all "forgave" me because i have this tag on me that says i'm in training. now, i know it probably sounds good to have them brush it off lightly because of that tag; however, it makes me upset because they all assume i have no idea what i'm doing. i do. i just made a mistake. so, that happened and that started putting me into a foul mood. later on, when i was putting out more movies, i could have sworn i heard somebody saying my name. there was this group of 20-something year olds by our $5.50 DVD dump bin. they weren't calling me, but i am pretty sure they were talking about me. i wasn't sure who they were, but one of them reminded me of some kid i haven't seen since at least 6th grade. it might have been him; although, it's unlikely he would have recognized me and remembered my full name. maybe i'm just paranoid. i don't know. so, this voice i kept hearing freaked me out and i realize how much of a loser i probably seemed to them. no offense to any wal-mart employees out there, but it's not the most respected work. it hit me really hard then and i just couldn't handle it anymore. i stayed a little bit longer to finish up some of the projects i was working on and then left. i think i'm going to freak out really soon. i'm not sure exactly what that will entail, but i'm certain i will just completely lose it if i'm there too much longer, immersed in the futility of the job. thanks for listening yet again. cheers!